Animated Atrocities 40/Transcript
Disclaimer: Some viewers may find this disturbing, viewer discretion is advised.'' Giving away one entry on this list right off the bat.'' Clips of "Cephalopod Lodge", "A Pal for Gary", "The Splinter", "Good Neighbors", "Smooth Jazz in Bikini Bottom", "Boating Buddies", "House Fancy", "Squid's Visit", "Squid Baby", "Choir Boys", "Breath of Fresh Squidward", "Pineapple Fever" and "Restraining Spongebob", some of which repeat. Mr. Enter: You guys are gonna see some weird things in the recommended videos section, huh? Now, when Spongebob does something so horrendous, they tend to do it only once. And praise the lord for that! There's only one "Splinter", and there's only one "A Pal for Gary". However, there is one area they don't relent, ever. And that's turning the entire universe against Squidward. There are two reasons that I'm doing this as a list. Number one is that it's going to get really old if I do a dozen different reviews about episodes that are all bad in the exact same way. You can only say that putting Squidward at the ass of your jokes doesn't automatically make them funny in so many ways. The other reason is that they've done this so many times, this is the only way I can put it into perspective. Let me put it this way: I am reviewing the ten worst episodes of the exact same basic premise. I've disqualified "Squid Baby" and "Squid Visit", and there are about seven others that I considered for this list, but didn't piss me off enough to include. That is 19 episodes where the basic plot is that we're treated to Squidward's pain and agony because the writers think it's funny. I mean, it had to have worked at some point, right? It was funny once upon a time, and gave us episodes like "Squid's Day Off", "Opposite Day" or "Club Spongebob". So what happened? What makes it funny in those episodes and not in "Squid Baby" and "Squid's Visit"? Okay, that answer's pretty obvious. The former aren't as creepy as fuck or put their target of ridicule in a diaper. But if it was a common and accepted plot thread, how did it get so terrible? Well, I know the answer to that already, but for the sake of humor, let's say that I don't and find out why. Clips of "Choir Boys", "Breath of Fresh Squidward", "Pineapple Fever", "Restraining Spongebob", and "Cephalopod Lodge", as "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants plays in the background. The latter two episodes are excluded from numbers 9-2. This serves as the interlude throughout the countdown. #10: Boat Smarts from Hey Arnold - "Helga on the Couch" Mr. Enter: You know the funny thing about doing lists like this? When you do it as honestly as possible and analyse you're choices, you rarely get what you expect. When I started this list, card of "Boat Smarts" ''this episode was originally like number four, but through a combination of re-evaluation and watching some new episodes for the first time, it got knocked back by some ''stiff competition. So let's talk about "Boat Smarts". First of all, let's knock out the elephant in the room. Some may be tempted to call this a ripoff of the "Krusty Krab Training Video". I don't agree, this is more of a certain style, similar to Family Guy's "Road To..." ''series. That being said, that is the only defence I can muster for this shitty excuse for an episode. This episode tries to show the difference between a driver with boat smarts, and a driver without boat smarts. A driver ''with boat smarts, gets maimed, tortured and beaten for doing the right thing, while a driver who doesn't goes through the whole episode unscathed. Now, in a pre-movie episode, Squidward would've gotten torment, because he would be too arrogant to think he needed to follow proper safety procedures. In these modern episodes, he suffers from it because he's Squidward and for no other reason whatsoever. Now, there are two particular reasons that I thought this episode would be higher on the list. The first is that Squidward is getting punished for proper safety precautions, you know, like wearing a seatbelt: screams as SpongeBob slams into the backend of Squidward's boat, sending him flying into the air still in his seat and buckled up with the steering wheel in his hand. Squidward screams more as he sees a spiky steamroller driving on the road he is flying into. He tries to get his seat belt off but squeezes through the spikes anyways '' '''Mrs. Puff:' Well, at least he had his seat belt on.'' '' boat, now cut in half, comes out of the steamroller and in it is Squidward, all injured. His seatbelt pops off. Mr. Enter: Yeah, I'm not going on he whole agenda that Spongebob is trying to teach things like the fun of unemployment, and it normally gets a pass for me on stuff like that, but this episode is trying to present itself as, you know, educational. If it's parody, do it right. The other reason is that fucking stinger at the end: and Mrs. Puff have crashed. Spongebob drives up to them '' '''SpongeBob:' Looks like you guys forgot your boat smarts! and drives off Mr. Enter: That line there, said by someone with no boat smarts to two people with boat smarts, guaranteed a spot on this list. I mean, that it just one of the most infuriating lines an episode could end on. of "Stuck In The Wringer". Okay not the most infuriating, but it's gotta be up there. #9: House Fancy card of "House Fancy" Mr. Enter: Alright, let's get this out of the way... Squidward: moves a couch leg on his foot OW! Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't... moves it again OW! SpongeBob: Okay. it again, ripping off Squidward's toenail Squidward: OW! Mr. Enter: Yeah, that one moment single-handedly brought this episode into infamy, and it places on most peoples' worst lists even higher than "The Splinter", which I really personally don't understand. I guess you could make the case that the toenail scene is more relatable than "The Splinter", and "The Splinter" ''is technically cartoonish and over-the-top; but I'd rather have like ten seconds than an entire episode based around pain, gross-out and misery. What's surprising to me is that Sean Charmatz, ''card of "The Splinter" you know, this fucker, had absolutely nothing to with this episode. It looks like more than one person on the writing staff has got some serious gore fascination going on here. You know I've pretty much already talked about gore as much as I could in that review, and I keep calling "House Fancy" the reverse of "The Splinter". "The Splinter" ''is an episode that's loaded with gross-out and shoehorns in some Squidward torture porn. ''"House Fancy" ''is an episode loaded with Squidward torture porn that's got gross-out shoehorned in. They do have one thing in common though: if you don't care about gross-out, both of these episodes are ''fucking boring. I mean it's not as boring as "The Play's The Thing", which was one of the candidates for this list, but it's up there. Excellent, Squilliam's got a great house filled with all kinds of riches. If I cared, I'd be watching people make Sim houses on YouTube. Or you know, actually watching HGTV I mean there's one point where Squilliam shows the host a gilded doorknob and he acts like he's got a fetish about the thing. And when Squilliam shows him a ton, he acts like he doesn't fucking care. Spongebob enters the plot because he flat out admits that he was spying on Squidward, and for the majority of the episode, nothing happens. If it wasn't for that fucking toenail scene, then no-one would ever bring this episode up. Part of me thinks that's why the writers did it, but for the most part, there's nothing really to talk about here. Why isn't it higher on the list? Well, for one, Squidward actually won in the end. The only other torture porn where Squidward won that I can think of is "Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful", but that one didn't have a toenail being brutally ripped off, so it was at a disadvantage. And that's the other reason "House Fancy" isn't higher on the list. It had some stiff competition of worse writing, more annoyance and more torment to Squidward. #8: Good Neighbors Mr. Enter: Do you want to know exactly where Spongebob went wrong -- like the exact day? May 20th 2005 card of "Good Neighbors" ''the day that ''"Good Neighbors" ''aired. A plot revolving around Patrick and Spongebob annoying Squidward wasn't anything new, but at the time, this was the worst possible way they could've done it. Issue number one, Squidward wasn't being an ass, or arrogant, or anything at the beginning of the episode. He was just trying to enjoy his Sunday, the only day of the week he had off. Which is weird because a whole earlier episode revolved around Squidward lamenting the fact that he ''didn't get Sundays off. Even if you don't care at all about continuity, it gets kinda distracting when one episode is about never having Sundays off and another one is about only having Sundays off. Yeah, even as a kid, I noticed problems about this episode. The episode goes on and on with Patrick and Spongebob annoying Squidward and eating up his Sunday. The biggest problem with this episode is how incredibly stupid they are. They only finally realised they made some kind of whoopsie is when Squidward yells at them and finally manages to break through their thick skulls. You guys might wanna savour this, because, as far as I can tell, this was the last time that anyone ever managed to break through their stupidity, and it only barely works, and that's only because it's in service to the plot. Squidward gets a security system, but because Spongebob and Patrick are coming in to apologize, the security system doesn't see them as the threat, because that's exactly how security systems work! Then the episode loses all logic as the security system kicks Squidward out of his house as it goes on a rampage to destroy Bikini Bottom. I don't know why it goes on a rampage to destroy Bikini Bottom! Does it make any logical sense? No... Is it necessary to the plot? Not really... Is it even remotely funny? Not in the slightest. Then the episode ends with Squidward getting a summon to clean up Bikini Bottom for every Sunday for the rest of his life. So, the episode comes off as Squidward getting punished for not taking it in the ass when Spongebob and Patrick wanted to torment him. It makes you wonder why he doesn't get a restraining order against them! Well... #7: Restraining Spongebob Mr. Enter: You ever wonder why Squidward doesn't take legal actions against Spongebob? Well, he did, once, card of "Restraining Spongebob" ''in a terrible, ''terrible episode. My last three choices where all interchangeably bad and I could've put them in any order, so now we're getting into the episodes that enrage me. In fact, I'm really surprise that this particular episode doesn't get more hate. Granted, I hadn't seen it myself before I started making this list, but I'm sure someone somewhere else has to have seen it, and seen how horrible it truly is. It seems to start like a typical "Spongebob annoys Squidward" plot, until they get to the Krusty Krab. What follows, is one of the most uncomfortable sequences I've ever seen in the show. Dead. Fucking. Serious. In most of these episodes, the writers don't know they're going too far, because they're incompetent as all hell. Here, they are intentionally trying to go too far with Squidward's torment, and it quickly becomes hard to watch. In fact, it seems like they stuffed everything wrong with modern Spongebob into a one minute long window: Squidward being tortured, Spongebob making things worse through stupidity and Mr. Krabs caring about money more than life. At the end, Squidward snaps. The next day, he gives Spongebob his own restraining order. If Spongebob violates it, he will go to jail. Now, here's the main problem with the episode: Spongebob is close to his original personality, making Squidward seem like the bad guy for trying to keep Spongebob away from him. If there's anywhere he should be back to normal, it shouldn't be here. So there's no Spongebob to torment Squidward; what are our clever, sadistic writers to do? Use Patrick! If I ever make another list like this, it's going to be the "Top 10 Worst Patrick's a Prick" episodes, because that's the other over-used way of being terrible on this show. And, yeah, they double dip a few times. The rest of the episode goes on to have Patrick annoy Squidward, and, by extension, the audience, and the question rises of why the fuck Squidward doesn't get another restraining order. And the ways that Squidward gets tormented are... let's call them forced. Man: the Krusty Krab holding a pie Oh, Grammy. I brought your favorite: Seaberry pie. To a fast food restaurant? Holding it like that? Mr. Enter: And Squidward is allergic to that pie for this one moment only. Since he's got bumps on his face, Patrick thinks that Squidward is a monster who is after Spongebob and attacks him. Spongebob violates his restraining order to break them up. Then Squidward replaces Spongebob's name on the restraining order with Patrick's. Patrick starts laughing hysterically and the episode just...stops. Yeah, that's how it ends. It's never mentioned if Patrick was under a restraining order in any other episode. Guys, you've gotta end the stories you're trying to tell. I mean, is that too much to ask for? #6: Pineapple Fever Mr. Enter: Hey! Do you guys wanna see a worse version of "House Fancy"? No? Well too bad, because they made one. Presenting: card of... "Pineapple Fever". No, seriously, it recycles the episode point-for-point. Like: out-of-nowhere gore, for having the sake of out-of-nowhere gore. Yeah, I assume no-one talks about probably one of the most gruesome moments of the show because "House Fancy" did take all of its thunder. Remember that scene in the episode "Just One Bite?" The one where the Krusty Krab alarm sets Squidward on fire (look it up on YouTube). That was censored and never seen in any subsequent airing, but "House Fancy", "The Splinter" and "Pineapple Fever" remain unaltered in each and every airing. Mr. Enter: Most "Squidward Torture Porns" have the entire plot revolve around him. Y'know it shows us the day and the life of Squidward. This episode shoehorns him in...solely to torture him. I'm completely serious. After a weather report says a storm is coming, Patrick and Spongebob begin doing a bunch of construction... because that's what you do during a thunderstorm. This gets Squidward to rip his eyebrow off and angrily storms over to Spongebob's house, in which the aforementioned storm stops him from walking five yards without getting drenched by undersea rain and zapped by undersea lightning. I hear that that's a real problem of the coast of New Zealand. So Squidward is forced to tolerate Spongebob and Patrick's stupidity: SpongeBob: Squidward, the lights went out. Squidward: Yes, they did, when you turned them off! Mr. Enter: Why was that line even necessary? At later point, we see that the house gets zapped by lightning. That'd be an excellent excuse to have the power go out. This is another episode where the majority of the plot is spent on nothing happening. And if you haven't guessed by now, that's an aspect of modern Spongebob that I don't fucking like. If you're not gonna do anything with the plot, at least try to be funny. Then after being trapped in storm for a couple of hours, all three of them go insane. Yeah, they go batshit crazy, completely unprompted and out-of-nowhere. I mean, I could believe it if they were trapped inside Spongebob's house for, like, a week. But as far as I can tell, they've only been in there for one afternoon. And considering that anything goes with Spongebob and Patrick, I can believe that they're just playing crazy. But I highly doubt that being denied one single meal would drive Squidward to insanity. The storm ends, and Squidward runs outside of the house, only to find it that it's on top of a tornado for some explicable reason. And for some explicable reason, we're only halfway through the list. Squidward: Oof! Curse you, Preflemuster! "Curse you Profluenster?" What does that even mean!? #5: Cephalopod Lodge Mr. Enter: My God, this list is going to kill me! Now, we're getting to the real shit. We're now into stuff that comes to most people's minds when they think of "Squidward Torture Porns." And to start it off, let's go with "Cephalopod Lodge". Jesus fucking Christ where do I begin? Let's start with the fact that the episode begins with Squidward happy. SpongeBob: (to Mr. Krabs) What is it about the third Wednesday of every month that makes Squidward so happy? Mr. Enter: Why the fuck do you care?! Even if it's an anomaly, why don't you just mind your own fucking business and let him be happy? A trench coat walks in and tells Squidward that tonight is the big night. And so Spongebob and Patrick, for some reason, decide to follow Squidward to his secret place. Why? I have no fucking clue. The episode forgot to establish it. Unless Squidward being happy is the reason. If so, then this episode is even worse. So immediately, our supposed protagonists are pretty much stalkers butting into someone's business that they shouldn't even remotely interested in. And they follow him to... a pyramid in the middle of nowhere. Squidward meets up with the door guard and is lead inside the building. You guys wanna remember him for me, please? We see that it's a large gathering of cephalopods, and some strange ritual begins. There's apparently an initiation ritual, where the new recruit is stung by a Moray Eel, which is apparently their arch-nemesis. You know what, I'm done questioning their marine biology skills. If they wanna say a cat can breathe underwater, fine. I don't fucking care anymore! I'll stop questioning it, if it means we can move on. Spongebob and Patrick have somehow materialised past the door guard and start cheering on. Squidward accidentally reveals that he know them and that he lead them to the lodge, and he gets kicked out. Yeah, Squidward may have lead them there, but don't you guys have security, like, I don't know, a door guard that requires a secret handshake. Might be a good idea to have one of those around. Just saying... Patrick and Spongebob try to say that it wasn't Squidward's fault that they got into the lodge. Brother Roger: Well, if it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Squidward's fault, whose fault was it? Patrick: Uh... maybe it's your fault. Mr. Enter: You know, seeing how you're the door guard, that's a distinct possibility. Then the rest of the episode shameless rips off "Good Neighbours", and like "Pineapple Fever" above, just does everything ten times worse. Squidward is continually put into physical pain and embarrassment, and like I said earlier, it's riding on the heels of Spongebob and Patrick stalking Squidward for something they shouldn't remotely care about. Eventually, Patrick and Spongebob get dressed up in... a giant sock... because it apparently looks like a Moray Eel. Just roll with it, it'll be over faster. It almost gets him back into the lodge, but Patrick and Spongebob give him up again, and the episode ends on one of the worst notes of this entire list. Patrick: But you'll have to pass the initiation again. up a jellyfish... Squidward: Aaah! No! #4: Smoothe Jazz At Bikini Bottom Mr. Enter: Remember earlier, when I said that I could also make a list of the "Worst Patrick's a Prick" episodes? If I did card of... "Smoothe Jazz At Bikini Bottom" ''would ran pretty fucking high on that list. You see, most ''"Patrick's a Prick" have the courtesy of, at least, explaining why he's in the plot. We don't get that here. Apparently, Squidward has tickets to Kelpy G's concert. It's weird how often he and his music end up in "Squidward Torture Porns". Anyway refuses to let Spongebob see his ticket, out of fear that it'll be destroyed. So, out of nowhere, Patrick eats it, with no second thoughts... or first thoughts for that matter. Or anything other than a matter of destroying the ticket. Luckily, there's still one way to get the tickets, and some backstage passes to boot, by being the lucky caller on a radio station, and it turns out that Spongebob is that lucky caller. So the two of them get to go to Kelpy G's concert, but Spongebob isn't exactly that type of person. We get hit with a few moments of boring filler before the concert actually begins. Then Patrick, appears out-of-where, asking for ketchup for his nachos. Alright, how the fuck did he get in? It was clearly established that people needed tickets to get into that concert. Are you trying to say that Patrick... Oh god! Oh, fucking god no! 'Why the fuck would you put that image in my brain? Oh wait, even ''that doesn't make any sense because of this line here: '''Spongebob: (to Squidward) You're probably not gonna get that back before showtime. Mr. Enter: All it would have taken was Patrick mentioning he had a ticket of his own, He still would have looked like a selfish price, but at least it wouldn't be a plot hole when he fucking ate Squidward's for no fucking reason. Then Patrick eats Squidward's backstage pass, and then he eats Spongebob's backstage pass. I'm a little bit rusty on basics of comedy, so someone is going to have to tell me -- how in any way is seeing someone in a constant state of misery funny. This is a serious question, by the way. The answer is that it's funny, if that character is an unlikeable asshole. This would probably be enjoyable if it was, say, Allen Gregory at the butt of all these jokes. We like to feel a sense of catharsis or justice. Back before the movie, Squidward was an arrogant asshole. He deserved consequences in episodes like "Naughty Nautical Neighbours. I think the writers believe that his asshole-ness carries over to other episodes, but unfortunately for them, it doesn't fucking work that way. Even if it did, they've gone above and beyond with his torment. In this episode, all Squidward wanted to do... was see a concert. He wasn't rubbing it in anyone's face, and he wasn't being a jerk. And then Patrick gets up on stage ''to black where the bodyguards promptly beat the tar out of him. Oh that's what would happen if this episode had any semblance of logic. back to episode No, instead he's allowed to use the microphone and make a restaurant order. And this guy, who is stupid enough to think that a jazz concert is a fast food place, is smart enough to dodge bodyguards which have finally come out...took them long enough. And the patrons seem pretty happy with the guy who just ruined their concert and start carrying him away. Squidward tries to get back the backstage passes from Patrick. They get stopped by a guard and are told to go back to their seats, where someone has taken them both. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't concert tickets entitle you to certain seats. I mean the two of them won front row seats earlier. That's what the guard, just now, was for right? Writers, that brain of yours is getting a little old and dying. It needs exercise or it's going to vanish completely and you will die in your own excrement. I'm telling you this for your own good, because it'll be a happy day for me when that actually happens. So Kelpy G, who ignored Patrick, throws Spongebob and Squidward out of the building. And somehow Patrick got backstage because... well this is a "Patrick's a Prick" ''episode. And once again how did he -- you know what, never mind; we are ''not going back there. Spongebob and Squidward run into a suit, and the episode actually gets Squidward to beg. It took them eight seasons but they finally got him to do it. Is this want you guys wanted to: "Are You Happy Now?", with Squidward pulling up a rope like a noose 'THE EPISODE IS "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" STOP ASKING ME! (Even though I already told you what [it is in my "One Coarse Meal" review).]' ''or did you just want him to hang himself? What else would they be doing this shit for? Spongebob plays his ukulele, Kelpy sees him and signs him to the act. Three episodes to go and I want to fucking kill myself. #3: Boating Buddies '''Mr. Enter:' card of… Yep, "Boating Buddies". The most infamous "Squidward Torture Porn" is only number three on this list. When I started making this list, everyone thought this would be my number one -- hell, even I''' thought that this would be my number one. But doing my research, watching these episodes again and again, I found that I hate, not one, but two "Squidward Torture Porns" ''more than ''this fucking episode''.'' It's not like I don't hate this episode though, and it's not like I don't know why people hate this episode. Remember when I said that "Squid's Visit" wasn't the creepiest episode of the show? That's because, to me, this episode is -- because this episode is creepy, it's intensely creepy, it's unwatchably creepy. Let's start with the fact that Spongebob decides to annoy Squidward because... he was just breathing! When Squidward decides to go away to ignore him, Spongebob decides to chase him down. Why? Because Squidward left his car keys behind. Yeah, Squidward has a car in this episode -- which gets him to run through a stop sign, which forces him to spend a day in hell. Yeah, Squidward has to go to boating school -- fan-fucking-tastic! '''Squidward: (to a cop) ... I have impeccable boat smarts! Mr. Enter: to: "Boat Smarts" ''Don't fucking remind me! ''to: "Boating Buddies" ''And as you might imagine, Spongebob is there. Now here's an interesting fact: for this entire episode, Mrs. Puff seems to have forgotten how horrible that Spongebob is... '''Squidward:' (to Mrs. Puff) He is the bane of my existence! Mrs. Puff: (to Squidward) Yours too? Mr. Enter: What I meant is that she doesn't even seem to fucking care. And then we get into the creepy aspect. Spongebob seems to have rather... unsettling attraction to Squidward that constantly surfaces throughout the entire episode. When the episode isn't focusing on the stalker with a crush, it's focused on giving Squidward beating after beating. And what was Squidward's crime in this episode? Trying to get away from Spongebob. For doing that, he's forced to be stuck with Spongebob. For getting pissed about it, he ends up getting beaten up. For no fucking reason, Mrs. Puff forces Squidward to drive with Spongebob, despite knowing how dangerous Spongebob is, knowing that Squidward also hates Spongebob, and never having partners drive in any other episode ever. This leads to a random shrink-ray incident, that ends up with Squidward being beaten up and ending up in a body cast. Because he's in a body cast he ends up failing the test, which any normal teacher, or Mrs. Puff in any other episode, would allow him to take when he's not injured. And he gets sentenced to another week in boating school. The worst part of the episode is obviously the ending, where after being righteously pissed, Squidward yells at Spongebob, and circumstances forces him to call Spongebob his "boating buddy" -- and Squidward fails anyway -- which means next week, the same shit will happen, but even worse. So, yeah... "Boating Buddies" is heinously bad. The only question is, what could possibly top it? Well... #2: Choir Boys Mr. Enter: card of… So, what outright shoots “Choir Boys” into the Top 2? Two words: malicious intent. clips of “Good Neighbors”… In most of the previous episodes, Spongebob tormented Squidward through accidents or complete stupidity. “Pineapple Fever”… So take one of those episodes, and have Spongebob actively attempt to annoy Squidward, “Smooth Jazz in Bikini Bottom” take his dreams away, and hurt him. Don’t believe me? Well, the episode starts with Squidward practicing singing in the shower, when he passes by his toilet. Toilet paper: Don’t feel bad; he didn’t use me yesterday, either. Are you suggesting that Squidward doesn't -- oh god! What the fuck is with these episodes and their suggestions of shit?! Outside, Squidward passes by Spongebob, and smiles because he’s feeling down. Remember this, because apparently, this is the most heinous crime that one can possibly commit! It’s used to give justification for Spongebob trying to nag Squidward, chase him down, dig a giant pothole to “get Squidward’s attention”, which forces him to be surrounded by jellyfish. Stuck in the jellyfish, Spongebob... Spongebob: Now I have a captive audience! jellyfish zap Squidward and he screams Mr. Enter: '''It’s like that one line is all that I needed to see each and every one of these torture porns as purposeful on Spongebob’s behalf. He continues to sing, as Squidward gets repeatedly zapped. '''How is this funny? Just because Squidward is at the ass of your jokes does not automatically make them funny! Spongebob: Um, Squidward, could you keep it down, please? Trying to find my starting pitch here. Mr. Enter: 'Go die in a hole, along with anyone who made up this trite! ''of “One Coarse Meal” Surprisingly, Zeus Cervas and Casey Alexander aren’t behind most of these Squidward Torture Porns. titles of same… They’re only behind two of them so far. of this one No, the guys you want to blame are Aaron Springer and Richard Pursel. At least one of them has written for every episode on this list, with the exception of Restraining Spongebob. But that episode had Paul Tibbit, the head honcho himself. So at least one of these guys seems to have a very real vendetta against Squidward. Let’s deal with Richard Pursel first. He was a writer on Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party Cartoon. Moving on. Aaron Springer is a different beast altogether. Most people know that he wrote on Spongebob back when it was good, working on episodes like "Band Geeks". Do you know what else this guy did? No, seriously, take a guess. You’ll never get it. This guy wrote for [Clip from…] Samurai Jack. Jack and the Haunted House; Jack versus Aku; Jack and the Farting Dragon Three of his episodes were on my Top 10 list. There’s losing your touch…and then there’s going fucking insane. to “Choir Boys” Jesus fucking christ, that’s disgusting! One reason this episode is so high on the list is that ''This goes on for 20 seconds.'' we’re constantly giving terrible singing, and annoying throat clearing, all the way through. ''Then this goes on for 10'' Needless to say, it grates on you. Yeah, this is the only episode on this list that’s unlistenable, on top of unwatchable. Also, Spongebob gets the ability to sing greatly, and upstages Squidward at the men’s chorus. So, yeah, we have an episode where Squidward does next to nothing wrong, Spongebob continually torments him to a severe degree, and does it knowingly, and Spongebob wins in the end. What could possibly be worse?! #1: Breath Of Fresh Squidward Clip of "Spongebob, You're Fired" '''Mr. Enter: Now, I don't think a lot of people will agree with me here. card of same Because when it comes to worse Spongebob episodes, I always give a more... abstract answer. I seem to hate more what each episode represents, rather than its overall production. So bear with me as I present my number one, which is probably an episode you most likely don't care about. Presenting... card of... a "Breath of Fresh Squidward". Most of you are probably thinking it does belong on the list, just further down; and definitely not number one. Well, let me try to explain why I hate this episode... so much. The episode starts with Spongebob and Patrick watching Squidward sleep. Apparently, a favourite past-time of theirs is watching the sunrise in Squidward's bedroom. And then we see a book of all the main holidays, while it looks like Squidward is about to have an aneurysm. Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you? SpongeBob: Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. Mr. Enter: '''As far as I can tell, they believe this story. Yeah, I'm calling this episode the worst ''"Squidward Torture Porn" ''taking every one of those other ones into account. This time Squidward tries to use an electric fence to keep Spongebob and Patrick out -- and of course, the two of them think they are invited to a fence-warming party. So Squidward catapults them away and turns on the fence. Considering Squidward's experience with home security, we all know that this isn't going to work for a second. Yes, somehow they get catapulted back into Squidward's fence. He angrily touches the security gate, which gets himself electrocuted. Spongebob and Patrick are totally unaware that Squidward is being electrocuted in front of them, despite being repeatedly stung and shocked by electric jellyfish. The electro-shock switches Squidward's personality entirely. He wants to go to the petting zoo with Spongebob and Patrick. So Squidward is actually happy. Even Spongebob sees that Squidward is happier, and he says that with a smile. Remember that. Things get interesting when Squidward sneaks into Spongebob's house that morning. ''They said that they break into his house every single morning. Why Spongebob didn't sneak into Squidward's house that morning, I have no idea. But as you can see, this episode is giving Spongebob a taste of his own medicine. Like most episodes that end up at the top of my worst lists, they do something right. Spongebob has to deal with his own Spongebob, and let me just say that after everything I've seen, it's really fucking cathartic. SpongeBob: '''... and you, Mr. Smiley Face Krabby Patty. No one can come between us. '''Mr. Enter: I know this doesn't have anything to do with anything, but this episode's sister episode is To Love A Patty. Now here's what really sticks it for me: Squidward is acting like Spongebob -- you know, the fucking annoying one that sneaks into Squidward's house -- and the episode itself sees him as an antagonist. Each time Squidward tries to do something that Spongebob usually does, he's treated like a creep. So yeah, the writers, or the entire universe, is a hypocrite. Good to know... Mr. Krabs: (to Spongebob) You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. Mr. Enter: You know, I'd be more sympathetic with Spongebob here, if the episode didn't begin with him admitting that he breaks into Squidward's house and watched him sleep every single morning. Not to mention all the '''''other fucking stuff I've seen! Since when did the Krusty Krab have 2 grills? Okay, I don't normally criticise animation errors, but how the hell do you miss that the grill's in the background? So it turns out that Squidward's a better Spongebob than Spongebob, and ends up becoming the new employee of the month. Once again, after all the shit I've seen, it's extremely cathartic. And like I said, this episode keeps expecting me to feel sorry for what's happeneing to Spongebob, which is NOT going to happen. Spongebob, you deserve a Spongebob of your own. Even the Spongebob we get in this episode deserves his own Spongebob. SpongeBob: ''crying'' Mr. Enter: Hey Spongebob, can I please get a side of fries with those tears? On second thought, they're delicious enough by themselves. Oh I'm sorry, do I sound like an asshole? Did you notice everything that I saw this creature do? Then there's a party Patrick's house, and Spongebob is still crying. Seriously dude, you lost an award, get over yourself. Squidward: How's the cake, SpongeBob? Mr. Enter: See Spongebob? He's not being an asshole, he's asking these questions in earnest -- see how it fucking feels?! And pogo-dancing with Patrick seems to be Spongebob's final straw. He snaps and basically becomes a whinny spoiled brat and kicks Squidward out of his own party -- in someone else's house -- and everyone else continues the party. This forces Squidward to cry -- which I actually do feel sorry for -- which causes him to electrocute himself, you know, despite the fence blowing a gasket earlier. Like I said, it's not so much that this episode has the most torment given to Squidward, or even that it's worst put together. It's that the episode expects me to buy the Spongebob that I've dealt with in "Boating Buddies" and "Choir Boys" and "Cephalopod Lodge" and "Good Neighbors" as the good guy, and the Squidward in those very episodes as the bad guy. Let's just say that that's perhaps the most insulting thing that a writer can try and do. If Spongebob learned that being an annoying menace that'd make Squidward wanna slit his wrists and hang himself in the episode, then it'd probably be decent -- hell it might even be great -- but it's that little touch that slides it right into the worst of the worst. Credits "Spongebob Squarepants" is owned by Nickelodeon and Viacom. Credits/transition song: "Particle Man" by They Might be Giants This video was made for review purposes and falls under Fair Use. No copyright infringement was intended by this video, and it is NOT meant to be a substitute for the animation in question. Thank you for watching. Honorable mentions will be listed in the credits. Atrocity Points Table: Professor Squidward - 15 Atrocity Points Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful - 16 Atrocity Points Squid Wood - 18 Atrocity Points The Play's The Thing - 18 Atrocity Points Spong-Cano! - 19 Atrocity Points Tentacle Vision - 21 Atrocity Points 10.) Boat Smarts - 22 Atrocity Points 9.) House Fancy - 22 Atrocity Points 8.) Good Neighbors - 22 Atrocity Points Squid's Visit - 24 Atrocity Points 7.) Restraining Spongebob - 24 Atrocity Points 6.) Pineapple Fever - 29 Atrocity Points 5.) Cephalopod Lodge - 30 Atrocity Points 4.) Smooth Jazz in Bikini Bottom - 31 Atrocity Points 3.) Boating Buddies - 32 Atrocity Points 2.) Choir Boys - 33 Atrocity Points 1.) Breath of Fresh Squidward - 34 Atrocity Points Squid Baby - 35 Atrocity Points Writers Hall of Shame: '' ''-"Boat Smarts" was written by Casey Alexander; Zeus Cervas; & Richard Pursel ''-"House Fancy" was written by Aaron Springer; & Dani Michaeli'' ''-"Good Neighbors" was written by Mike Bell (it was storyboarded by Springer).'' ''-"Restraining Spongebob" was written by Paul Tibbit, Sean Charmatz; & Vincent Waller'' ''-"Pineapple Fever" was written by Aaron Springer; & Derek Iversen'' ''-"Cephalopod Lodge" was written by Luke Brookshier; Nate Cash; & Richard Pursel'' ''-"Smooth Jazz in Bikini Bottom" was written by Casey Alexander; Zeus Cervas; & Richard Pursel'' ''-"Boating Buddies" was written by Aaron Springer; & Richard Pursel'' ''-"Choir Boys" was written by Aaron Springer; & Richard Pursel'' ''-"Breath of Fresh Squidward" was written by Nate Cash; Tuck Tucker; & Richard Pursel'' Aaron Springer and Richard Pursel, what the fuck do you have against Squidward!? Category:Animated Atrocities Category:SpongeBob SquarePants Category:Transcripts